


Neither Dark, Nor Light

by irisravenvinera



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisravenvinera/pseuds/irisravenvinera
Summary: Post TLJ Kylo Ren is still fighting his Light; Rey is still fighting her Dark. While battling this they are still struggling with their feelings toward each other. Kylo Ren wants to reform the First Order, while Rey is helping grow the Resistance. How will the two live with the Bond? Will they ever be able to overcome the differences between them? Rated M for safety





	1. Chapter 1

                                                                                                                      Chapter One  
     Kylo was pacing, again. He has found it near impossible to focus on his work in the days since Crait. Her eyes haunt him. They follow him through everything he does. The anger, loss and hurt he saw there almost an exact reflection of his own. Kylo doesn’t know how long he sat on the floor of that Resistance base, long enough to let himself take that loss and hurt and let it develop into rage. Loss and hurt he can not use, rage he can. Rage fuels his actions. After these last several days, the rage has dissipated, and he has been left with regret and loneliness.  
     With his master gone, and his ascension in the First Order, there has been plenty to keep him busy, but he is so filled with regret at letting Rey leave him, letting her believe that power and destruction was all she cared about, he simply could not find the will to even sign the stacks of files that Hux brought him. He was sure that Snoke had not been made to deal with such mundane tasks, and knew Hux was simply toying with him. The rabid cur had been furious that Kylo Ren was ascending as Supreme Leader, but had smartly kept his lips sealed.  
     Kylo groaned with the frustration that spread throughout him with each beat of his heart. The bond had been empty for days, and though he hated to admit it, he desperately missed the hazel eyes that had last looked at him with such disgust and hurt. He had considered, the next time he saw her, telling her he regretted his decision, and begging her to allow him to join her. He knew, however that if he did go to her, the Resistance would try him for war crimes with whatever justice system they had, and he would be executed, no matter what General Organa or Rey could do or say in his defense. His crimes where unforgivable, and he knew as much. He felt it every night in his dreams when he felt Han Solo’s hand on his face and saw his body drop off that walk way. He groaned again, his pacing getting more agitated.  
Finally, after beating his fists against the wall, Kylo sat at his desk and decided he would go through some of the endless files, and try to distract himself from the gaping hole he felt.  
     “Supreme Leader,” came the irritating voice of Hux through his comm,” I have more reports, the fleet has successfully begun the integration process on Falleen. You will need to go through them and then decide the best use of this most recent conquest.”  
Kylo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. More useless paperwork for a planet they knew they would just use as a training outpost for the Stormtroopers, as well as a resource planet, where they can build weapons and ships.  
     “Send them in Hux,” Kylo states, letting the boredom seep into his voice, so Hux knows exactly how much he enjoys his incessant paperwork.  
An officer walked into his office then; she was short, obviously one of the younger officers that they had to promote since the Supremacy was lost. Kylo wondered if Hux had this young officer bring in the files for fear of Kylo’s temper, which had been exceedingly worse the last several days. He had already destroyed several rooms and several desks, he let his bouts of rage taking him, knowing there was no need for him to control himself now that there was no one there to ridicule him, save for Hux. The young woman gingerly set the stacks on his desk and he waved her away.  
     The door shut almost silently behind the girl, and Kylo found himself sinking low into his chair, all energy and motivation drained from him. He sighed heavily as he pulled the first of the files off the stack and starts flipping through it, eyes not really seeing the papers in front of him. He was slowly making his way through the stacks of paperwork when he felt it, the slight beating, like butterfly wings on subconscious. He immediately moved to his feet, eyes searching for her. He wanted to explain, was desperate to explain, why she must come to him. He also needed to know why she had left him there, unconscious in Snoke’s throne room. Finally, he saw her, she was situated into the corner of his office, he saw her stiffen when she sensed him, but she continued whatever conversation that the bond had interrupted. He wondered for a moment if she was going to ignore her, but she quickly ended the conversation and turned toward him.  
     He was relieved when he saw that her eyes held no disgust, just annoyance and confusion.  
     “I had hoped the bond would have ended with Snoke’s death,” Rey’s voice was hard, tense, and Kylo tried to not let the hurt show on his face.  
     “No you don’t, admit that you’re relieved to know is wasn’t him who made us act in such a way,” Kylo’s hurt seeped into his voice before he could help it, and his hands clenched into fists,and he knows he would have drawn blood if it were not for the leather gloves.  
     Rey sputters and shakes her head,”Of course I am! However, that does not change that fact that if you had simply let go of what you have done, we would be together. The Light in you is getting stronger. I could have helped you nurture it,Ben. We could have changed your future, Ben. We could be together right now if you had just come with me. It never mattered to me if Snoke had created the bond, all that mattered to me was saving you, bringing you to the light.”  
     Kylo refrained from rolling his eyes,” Did you think about what would have happened if I had gone with you, had given in? I would have been tried for my war crimes, and eventually executed, neither you or my mo-General Organa could have saved me from the fate that awaited my surrender, but you, as Supreme leader, I could have protected you, I could have given you everything if you had only chosen me. Not the dark, not the light, just me.”  
     Rey’s mouth opened, shut, and then she was gone. Kylo Ren’s fists find the nearest object, his desk, and he beats against it, papers flying. He keeps beating until he feels one of the knuckles in his left hand, and then beats with just his right until he gets the same result again. He rips off his gloves, hissing at the pain that shoots up into his arms. The fingers are starting to swell, and the knuckles are bruised and bloody. This will require a trip to the medical bay, and a some condescending looks from his second-in-command. Kylo slowly pulls his gloves back on, ignoring how the figures put painful pressure on the swelling appendages.  
     Kylo stalked out of his office, injured hands secured behind his back. Hux approached him immediately, but Kylo pushed him back without even looking at him.  
     “Not now, Hux,” came Kylo’s low growl as the ginger haired man stumbled backwards. The man did not attempt to approach a second time.  
     The walk to the medial bay was a long one, and Kylo spent the walk thinking of how he once again seemed to destroy yet another possibly helpful conversation. He had wanted so badly to simply explain why he could not come to her, but he had gotten angry with her, for not realizing that while she believed what she saw was true, he had seen the opposite, so how could they both be correct? They both would have to yield something to be together, to find the balance the Force so desperately wants them to show.  
The Stormtroopers and officers in the hall inched passed him, frightened by the rage billowing off of him in waves. If only she had let go, let go of who she thought she was, who she knew she was not. If she could just face the fact that she would never be a Jedi, and he never a Sith, then they could finally be together, and could rule by his side, and they would bring balance to the galaxy, and the Force.  
     He stalked into the medical bay and was immediately approached by his personal medical droid, who escorted him to one of the enclosed rooms to treat him. He was here almost often enough to justify having a medical droid in his chambers, but he is sure he would not be able to stand the snide looks that his second-in-command would give him if he requested it.  
     He roughly pulls the gloves off again and offers his hands to the droid. He rarely admits to himself how the pain helps him focus, gives him control of it and provides a body for it, but the thought also makes him sick. He was so twisted, such a disgrace, a stain on the Skywalker name. It was no wonder that he had been abandoned to the temple with that near-stranger, he was so reproachful, even as a child, taking focus from his pain. He remembered those years at the temple,using his bruises to push him ahead in learning the Force. He had tried to convince himself that it was Snoke, that he had placed such a disgusting habit in him as a child, but even now he found comfort in the pain.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
The droid begins examining the bruised knuckles. The droid goes to the healing incubator and brings the bags of liquid to either side of Kylo. Kylo restrains an eye roll, certainly this was not necessary, he highly doubted that he had injured his hands to such a degree. His hands had begun to grow numb, tingling at the knuckles. However, Kylo allowed the droid to guide his swollen hands into the bags of strange green fluid.   
Kylo began to wonder what he would do with the First Order now that he had control, and the only change he had truly thought through was to completely reform the Stormtrooper program from the bottom up. For instance, instead of kidnapping children to use for the Stormtroopers, taking children from orphanages and children’s home. This will give the First Order a better reputation, as well as giving children a place in this world. It would also keep crime low on such planets because the children would be able to learn trade skills to get themselves decent jobs. This system would also allow the Stormtroopers to retire at a decent ages, which will in turn make for more loyal First Order citizens. This system would be simple enough to put into place, and it was truly the paperwork that would be bothersome, perhaps he would start the paperwork after his hands had healed, it would hopefully give him something to take his mind off the scavenger who seemed to be in his every thought.  
He had also considered reforming the training system that the Stormtroopers went through. It had been proven time and time again that fear did not grow loyal soldiers. He would not brainwash soldiers anymore. The First Order would raise, teach and grow loyal soldiers. Reconditioning would no longer be used as a punishment for slight insubordination, but as a monthly refresher course to ensure their loyalty to the First Order. Of course punishments would still be dealt, and rules extremely strict. However, Kylo felt that he had learned from FN-2187, and how easily he broke the brainwashing. If soldiers were trained with positive reinforcements, there would be no need for worries.  
However, he knew for certain his generals would not approve of such a plan, the changes being so big for so early in his rule; however, the generals’ opinions could be swayed with time, or ,if not, he would simply kill them and replace them with new minds, more open to change, and new rulership. Most of the current generals were loyal to Snoke only. They did not even care about the First Order, but Snoke had such a fear for betrayal he had felt the need to control those around him with the Force so he knew he had loyal minds. Of course, this also gave him complete rule over the entire First Order without being given advice as to what would grow loyal civilians. Kylo was already aware that the generals only loyal to Snoke, and not the First Order, would have to be removed and replaced with not only loyal generals, but those who would offer him real advice as to what would grow loyal citizens and therefore make the expansion of the First Order a swift and easy process.   
Kylo sighed and wiggled his fingers; pain shooting through his hands. He vaguely wondered what Rey would think if she saw him now. Would she pity him and his inability to control his anger? Or would she resent his need to beat his anger out of him?  
Kylo rolled his eyes, She would probably do both, he thought to himself.  
She always did have a way to confuse him with her many emotions. He was sometimes envious of her complex emotions. The only emotions Kylo really felt were anger, hate, loneliness, and sadness. He yearned to feel those emotions that Rey so openly felt. While Snoke had preached that emotions are the key to the Dark side, he only nurtured dark emotions, forcing Kylo to kill any emotions associated with the Light. Kylo almost missed feeling laughter rumble through his chest, the way his cheeks would stretch when he smiled to much; but it had been years since he had felt these things.   
He almost hoped that Rey would help give him these things, but it was a ludicrous idea, he knew that the battle they both faced was inside them and would always tear any friendship apart. They tempted each other too much with what they wanted. The seduction of the Light given by Rey was too much for Kylo, he knew he would give anything to be by her side. He would give anything for her acceptance and affection, but he knew he would have to give up everything he had worked so hard for; his father’s death would have been for nothing. All the murders and fighting, for nothing.  
The thought made Kylo’s throat close and his breath began coming faster. He quickly shakes his head, attempting to keep the panic from seizing him, he refuses to allow such weakness to be shown in such a public place. Even if he was in his private room, the droid could come back at any moment, and the door could open to the outside, showing a tearful, red faced Kylo. No, he saved these moments of weakness for his chambers, where he could scream and through things without prying eyes. He knew Hux was just waiting for Kylo to slip up in even the tiniest way, so Hux can have a reason to remove him from power. Kylo knew that Hux was jealous of Kylo’s ascent to power, but Kylo refused to give the man the pleasure of seeing anymore weakness then he already had.  
He hated simply sitting here, the urge to do something, even work, was almost unbearable. This should have been enough to keep him out of the medical bay, but he simply could not control his temper. The urge to pace was consuming him again, and he knew that he would be stuck. He started bouncing his knee, a habit he had picked up from hours of boring meetings. It helped relieve some of his nervous energy and he welcomed the slow calm that nestled into the bottom of his belly. He knew it would not last very long, and he knew he should soak up the steadiness. However, he also knew that the calm was not good for his Dark. His Dark needed the steady flow of anger and anxiety that he could focus into power. The calm drained him of his power, left him weak and raw. 

The medical droid came in 2 hours later to remove Kylo’s hands from the bags of green fluid, and inspected them off before releasing Kylo as a full recovery. Kylo rolled his eyes and strode from the room while the droid rambled that if he experienced any burning pain he must return immediately. Of course Kylo already knew this, he was in the medical bay far more than he liked to admit.   
Kylo went to his chambers for the evening, it was too late to get any real work done in his office, and he knew the files he had scattered would be returned in pristine order in the morning. He ordered dinner from his datapod, and removed his tunic before settling in at the desk he had placed in his chambers in order to continue working throughout the night. He never slept very much, finding exhaustion easier to handle than the nightmares that tormented him at night. He worked for hour on his datapod before collapsing into bed.  
Kylo Ren was training, running through his saber exercises harder and harder. It had been almost two weeks. Two weeks without any sign of Rey, and Kylo was beginning to fear the worst. Logically Kylo knew that if she had died, he would have felt it. He imagined it would feel like having his soul ripped in half. Kylo thought his concentration was bad when he was seeing her daily, now he knew this was much, much worse than what he had previously experienced. He got absolutely no work done, and even training provided no relief from the constant emptiness he felt. Kylo switched on several training droids and started cutting them down.   
He needed her here with him. That fact tore him apart more than anything else. That he could desire the presence of anyone, especially such a symbol of the Light, so much was such a sign of weakness that he almost felt the need to kill it; kill her. However, he knew this would destroy him. He could never harm her. He could not even watch her be harmed. It took everything he had inside him to keep watching Snoke torture her. As soon as he realized Snoke’s intent to kill her, to make him snuff out not only his Light, but his equal in the Force, he knew he would have to kill his Master. He killed his Master for her, was willing to give her everything, everything except the thing she want; for him to give up the First Order. She did not yet see how much he had planned for the First Order, how he wanted to make the galaxy a better place, just as she wished.   
Kylo shut off his lightsaber and started on hand to hand combat with several droids. This made his arms burn and made him focus more on what he was doing. He left his thoughts of Rey in the back of his mind, now solely focusing on beating the droids back with his fists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note:  
> Hey all, I hope you are enjoying this little story of mine. Any comments are welcome and I just wanted to thank you for reading my story! Feel free to message me if you have any serious recommendations, as I am always open to ideas.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three  
It was another week and a half before Rey finally appeared. Kylo was sitting in his office, drawing up the plans for reformation of the Stormtrooper system. He had felt a great disturbance in the Force hours ago, but could not think of what could possibly have caused it. He immediately stood when he saw her, walking towards her swiftly. He stopped himself a handful of feet away from her.  
“Rey, I was…,” Kylo stopped himself. He would not admit to her how worried he had been.  
She stood looking at him with those round hazel eyes full of tears and he almost begged her to take him back right there.   
“Rey, what’s wrong?” he gingerly stepped towards her, reaching out for her and the thinking better of it.   
She looked away,” Ben, something has happened…”   
Her arms wrap tightly around herself, and Kylo again has to resist the urge to take her into his arms. He had tried to deny the feelings he felt towards her by avoiding them, but now that she stood before him looking so hurt, he knew there was no way he could deny them any longer. He hated that she called him by that name, but would not tell her so now.  
“Rey… Rey what is it? What’s happened?” he finally allows himself to grip her forearms, forcing her to look at him.  
She closed her eyes, a tear coming loose from her lashes and trailed down her cheek. Kylo used his thumb to wipe it away instinctually. He jerked his hand back when he realized what he had done, but her hand caught his, and held it tightly. When she opened her eyes, he could see how bloodshot her eyes were, she must have been crying for hours.   
“Rey, please, tell me what has you in such pain,” Kylo could hear the begging tone come through, but he could not stand to see his precious scavenger in pain.  
“Ben…” she started, but her voice trailed off, and she closed her eyes once more.  
He wanted to pull her close, hold her to him until her tears stopped and she no longer had such a devastated look on her face. It seemed that all the fight had left her as he drew her into a tight embrace. He could feel that she had given up being angry with him, and he hoped it would last. He faintly heard her mumble something into the fabric of his tunic. He pulled her away just slightly.  
“What was that?” Kylo asked gently, pushing a strand of loose hair from her face.  
“Your mother… your mother died this morning…” Rey’s face was tilted downward as more tears slid down her cheeks.  
Kylo Ren went rigid. There was no way. He would have felt that, but what, he did. That disturbance in the Force that he felt earlier. Like a tsunamis of wrong washing over him. He had thought it was a star suddenly collapsing. He now sees that he was wrong, very wrong. His eyes watered without his permission and he dropped Rey like she had burned him and went to fact the wall. Suddenly his fists were flying, also without his permission. He was beating the wall until arms gave out. He turned back to Rey, she was looking at him with eyes full of sorrow and pain.   
“How, how did she die?” his voice cracked and shook more than he would like to admit. He shook his head, and his hands rubbed his face. He could feel the tears that clung to his skin. He was so weak. That woman made him so weak. He felt such shame for thinking about her like that, but she had not been his mother for years, and it was hard to let go.   
Rey moved toward him slowly. He skittered away like a scared animal, but eventually let her approach. She took his gloves from his hands gently and examined the once again bruised, swollen, and bloody hands.   
“ Luke died after Crait, did you feel that?” Rey’s voice was soft, trying to sooth him. Her fingers stroked his palms, another soothing act. She was worried he would seriously hurt himself, so she made sure to keep his eyes on hers while slowly attempting to soothe him.   
He nodded, once again thankful that the bond allowed them to touch, he was unsure he would have been able to bear the news without her touch. It washed over him like a spring of cool water, keeping the heat of his anger at bay.   
“Well it started then, Leia became tired all the time. I think she finally admitted to herself that she had lost you,” Kylo cut her off by jerking away from her, shaking his head. His fists instinctively went to hit the wall again, but suddenly her hands were on his arm, and he couldn’t bring himself to finish the swing.   
“That’s when it really started. She was just too tired and heartbroken to carry on. She died in her sleep this morning,” Rey’s voice cracked, and tears started trailing down her cheeks again.   
Kylo pulled her to him, hugging her as tightly as he could without harming her.  
“Oh Ben,” Rey whimpered into his tunic, and he felt his heart break even more because of how sad she sounded.   
Kylo almost begged her to come to him. He could not bear thinking of her alone with the Resistance, but he knew she would never join him. He thought of his mother instead, of his childhood. He remembered all the traveling he had done with his mother, Han too busy keeping up smuggling on the side to ever really be around. Leia never wanted Ben to have the kind of childhood she had had, with as many nannies as one can count, but no real time with her adoptive parents. So Leia took Ben with her traveling as much as possible, but this did not stop Ben from feeling lonely. She was always so busy playing diplomat that he was often left by himself. She did always make sure that she say him to bed. Even if it was through a hologram, she always endured Ben got an ‘I love you’ before bed. This eased some of the loneliness at times, at other simply made it worse.  
Rey drew back slightly, her eyes bloodshot and tearful,” She told me to tell you she forgives you, and that she loves you. She told me last night, I thought she would have more time…”   
Rey buried her head back into his tunic, and he murmured soothing things into hair. Leia had forgiven him? He, the man who killed his father, the love of her life? He who stole so many lives from her as well as hunted her and her cause across the galaxy? Kylo felt some of the weight on his shoulders lift, and he shook away the feeling of Light that flowed through him. It was too late for him, he kept telling himself.   
He and Rey stood there for what seemed like hours. Kylo hated to admit it,but he was glad she was there to tell him. He doubted Hux would have come out of that meeting alive. Rey had faded away a while ago, but he still stood there, arms now feeling like they had no purpose. He had wished she had come to him in person, but he knew that was selfish of him, and he felt tears well in his eyes. Before she faded, she had asked him not to hurt himself as a way to take his anger and sadness out. She must have sensed the battle waging within him at every moment, to not beat a wall, or a desk, and in some rare cases, use a knife to slice the tender skin of his thigh. He didn’t know how she knew, and he suspected his mother had told her, as this habit had been around since his childhood.   
His mother, the fiery light of the Resistance, the diplomat, the mother who cared so much for her son, she was gone. He quickly shook his head, and left his office to go to his chambers, where his tears could flow in peace and could mourn the loss of his mother. The walk seemed like it took longer than normal, and the hallways threatened to swallow him whole. He stopped many times to breathe, and when he finally reached his chambers, he collapsed just inside the door and let his emotions overtake him.   
He was a shuddering, sobbing mess. He had started hyperventilating and vaguely realized he was having an anxiety attack. Both of his parents were now gone; both, in some way, by his own hand. He ripped his gloves from his hands then, to stare at hands so covered in blood. His fingers were long, and graceful, the knuckles bruised from attacking the wall hours ago; his palms were calloused from working with the lightsaber, gripping it with such ferocity. No matter how often he washed his hands, he still felt that he was covered in blood.   
He felt the need to focus his sadness, angry, and horror. He needed his knife, but Rey had made him swear to not use it until she could help. He dragged himself into his bed, to exhausted from crying and the inward battle he was fighting, for once in what was many months he fell into a dreamless sleep. 

Author’s Note:  
Thanks so much for reading, and as always, comments and suggestions are welcome!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four  
Ben spent the next three days in his chambers, much to Hux’s dismay. He had spoken only to Rey, and she had only appeared twice in the days. She sees how broken he is, and usually sits next to him and makes small talk, trying to draw him outside of himself. The intimacy that had happened on that day was gone, and left them with awkward reaches and sorrowful glances. He could still see her eyes were bloodshot, she was also still morning Leia, but she was much more calm about it; Ben was battling every moment not to destroy something.   
Ben no longer ate, which he kept from Rey, as he did not want her to worry for him more than she already did. Ben often sat in his room, reminiscing on both of his parents, and his childhood as well. While he had resented them both while they lived, he found he no longer could stand to think of them in such a horrid way. He had asked Rey where they planned to bury her, but Rey, while reaching for him, before thinking better of it, had asked him where he would like her buried, so that he has some say in her funeral. He had thought on the answer for some time, and the only answer he could deem fit, was Chandrila. This is where he grew up, and the last real home Leia had before taking over leading the Resistance. He had hoped that being involved in her funeral would bring him peace, but he now knew it only caused him anxiety as he would not be able to attend. At least this way he would be able to visit her after the Resistance had moved on.   
On the fourth day since receiving the new of his mother’s death, Kylo finally felt he was strong enough to go to his office and distract himself by finishing the paperwork on the reformation of the Stormtrooper system. He hoped to call a meeting with his governors soon and get the ball rolling on this reformation. He hoped to share the news of his plans with Rey the next time he saw her, but he needed to finish the paperwork before he can tell her anything.   
As he sits down at his desk and picks up his datapad there came a single knock on his door, and in strode the rabid curr himself. He held a large stack of files in his hands, and Kylo wondered why they even still used paper at all. It was truly just a waste of space and money, having the paper and ink purchased and brought aboard the ship was a costly export that he would see the end off. He hated using paper, finding the tools on his datapad so much more convenient and and required much less interaction with Hux. The ginger man gave a slight bow.  
“Supreme Leader, these are the files you miss during your… illness,” he said this with judgement.   
Kylo resisted the urge to roll his eyes and watches as Hux sets the impressive stack of files on his desk. Hux then steps back and looks at him with a knowing look.  
“What is it Hux?” Kylo growled, giving Hux a look that could kill. He hated the man with such passion.  
“We received word sometime yesterday that the Resistance leader, General Organa, died sometime this week,”Hux said in a very knowing voice. The generals of the First Order were well aware of who the man behind Kylo Ren was. Snoke had used as a tool to humiliate him. Hux was well aware that Leia was Ben’s mother, and was now trying to get a rise out of Kylo.  
“Oh really?”Kylo’s voice was steady, and he looked at Hux plainly,” The Resistance must be quite the mess now, with no one to lead them.”  
Hux nodded,” Some of the generals are thinking that this would be the best time to find them, and finish them off,” he was testing Kylo, trying to see if he had the guts to finish him off.  
“You expect to find one ship? Now their leader is dead, and she was the only one who held allies to help them. They are finished off, General Hux,” Kylo’s reply was stern, making it very clear that he would not argue on this point.  
“I would like to call a meeting with the General’s about the changes I would like to instill in the First Order,” Kylo sat forward in his chair, his hands folding on top of the desk.  
“Sir?” Hux was obviously confused, surely he had not expected Kylo to keep everything the same,” Changes?”  
“Yes, Hux. I have some ideas that I believe will better the First Order, and allow us more loyal subjects and soldiers,” Kylo waved him away then, and began working again on his datapad.   
Kylo had just finished the paperwork when Hux came to tell him that his generals had arrived. Kylo knew that this would not be the time to discuss the plan in detail, simply to mention it and get a feel for the generals that needed to be removed. He had seen Rey once that day, and it gave him the strength and courage to do what needed to be done, so Rey would know that Kylo never wanted it to stand for what it has stood for, and he so desired it to stand for something more, something more than tyranny and destruction it has caused thus far.  
Kylo Ren walked into the room, power rolling off of his every movement; he wanted the generals to be sure who was in power. There was a grand, crescent shaped table in the center of the room, the top a shining black. The chairs that were stationed around the table were high backed, black leather on wheels. The chairs were an improvement to the dark stools that Snoke had provided before. This was only the second time Kylo had called them together, the first being the day after Crait, needing to formally announce his ascension into the role of Supreme Leader.   
He strode purposefully to his seat at the center of the curved table. He sat in silence, staring at each of the generals before beginning his speech.  
“I have called you all here today to discuss the future of the First Order. I have also called you here so that I may determine which of you shall continue on in the council, and which of you shall retire, with a nice pension. Those of you who find that you are unable to support me as Supreme Leader should speak now, without fear for your life. I am aware that most of you were assuming General Hux would ascend to Supreme Leader in the loss of my predecessor. However, seeing as I was Snoke’s apprentice, and one of the strongest Force users in history, it is my right that I take over as Supreme Leader, but I can understand that some of you cannot support this, and I accept this. So, speak now, and retire peacefully, for the next time I discuss this with you the outcome will not be so calm,” Kylo Ren stated calmly, his gloved hands folded neatly on the table.  
He had looked at each general in turn as he spoke, and he reached out gently with the Force to sense their emotions. There were only two of the twenty five who flatout opposed his rule; five who were only there for the purpose swaying Snoke’s votes. Another five were older persons who wanted seek retirement as a way out of the First order. That meant he could replace over half the council with those loyal to him.  
“Those of you wishing to seek the retirement I spoke need only in their documents and quietly leach,”Kylo gestured to the door.  
He was surprised when only ten of the generals shuffled their paperwork back to him. However, Kylo gave the other three a glare that could kill, and the two persons he knew would leave then stood and left as well. The only one left is Hux, but he knew the man would never leave.   
Kylo then settled back into his chair, relaxing only the slightest bit as he now knew he sat with the generals that would help bring great change to the First Order. Well, perhaps except for General Hux. He was not optimistic that he would ever receive any kind of favor from the jealous man. However, he could not get rid of Hux like he so desired because he was such a well known face of the First Order. He was well liked by his officers and he was incredibly loyal to the First Order; no, to get rid of Hux would be the fastest way to discredit himself, his passion, and his support for the First Order.   
Kylo Ren sat down heavily in his desk chair. The meeting had gone over better than Kylo could have ever hoped, and he was almost giddy with prospect of telling Rey of his first changes to the First Order. He hoped it would in time, make the idea of her joining him here less a ridiculous idea. He knew that with Rey by his side, he could make the First Order a real working government to better the galaxy. He hoped he would be able to change the galaxy for the better even without her, as he was not just doing this for her, but for himself as well. This was the Light in him. It was a weakness, which he would never fully accept, but he found that it was getting easier to let the smallest bits into his life.   
Ben went to bed early that night, and for once had a dreamless night of sleep.  
Author’s Note:   
As always, thanks for reading! Please comment, follow, or favorite as you see fit, and I hope you are enjoying this little story of mine.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five  
Kylo spent the next few days building the council back up to the twenty five members that was standard. He used the Knights of Ren to fill all the spots they could, and then used senior officers that served him on a daily basis and that he knew were loyal to the First Order, and had not been partial to Snoke. Most soldiers and officers believed Snoke to be an invisible leader. Snoke never showed himself to the lower ranks, and they simply could not see the point in serving an invisible man. Kylo Ren, however, had been around both the lower and higher ranks, and was easily recognizable even now that he had ditched the mask.  
He was sitting at his desk when he felt her presence. He relaxed back into his chair and studied her, she was murmuring to someone. Suddenly a brilliant smile graced her face, and Ben felt jealousy bubble up inside him. He wanted to make her smile like that. She must have sensed him then, and her smile faded, but only slightly. She quickly said goodbye to whomever she was talking to and came to him. He watched her shut a door he could not see, and she then turned toward him. A small smile spread across her face as she approached him. He could still feel her sadness, and could see it in her eyes. He wanted to wipe the sadness away, he wanted her to always be happy, but he knew that she must mourn the loss of his mother.  
She stood in front of him, and he suddenly felt rude, making her stand while he sat. He stood, and reached her, and then thought better of it.  
"Rey, I want to tell you something," Ben suddenly felt very shy. He hoped Rey would appreciate the changes he was trying to make, but he was terrified that it would not be enough to get her to trust him.  
Rey suddenly looked scared.  
" What is it Ben, what's wrong?" she grabbed his hands before she realized what she was doing. She tried to pull away then, but he gripped her hands fast and pulled them close, and consequently pulled her closer as well.  
"I've decided to make some changes to the First Order, big changes, and I wanted to get your opinion on it," Ben's voice was low, nervousness showing clear through his voice, and he hoped Rey would be gentle with his spirit.  
"Of course I will give you my opinion, but are you sure that this is alright?" Rey looked just as nervous as Ben felt.  
" I am the Supreme Leader of the First Order, I can tell you whatever I please," Ben said. He then went on to explain his entire plan from start to finish. She nodded at appropriate times and not once tried to separate their hands. He did not know if it was because she knew he drew strength from it, or simply wanted to keep him pleased; either way he did not care. As long as she was touching him, he felt that all was right in the galaxy, and he could only hope she felt the same.  
Rey looked at Ben, shock clear on her beautiful face.  
"That's amazing Ben! The changes you are making are amazing!" she was obviously surprised by the blatant display of the Light in him.  
Ben was amazed that the Bond did not break while he was explaining his idea. He vaguely wondered if the extended meeting was because they were touching. This had been the longest time that the Bond had kept them together. Whatever the reason, he was grateful that she was still here, and that she was pleased with him for once  
Ben looked at her seriously then, "I do not want the First Order to be such a terrifying thing, I want the citizens to be loyal, and for the First Order to establish a sense of balance in the galaxy."  
He was hoping to make her understand, but she knew she would not.  
"But over every system by force? How will that establish balance?" He could hear her anger, and he wanted so much to soothe the lines on her face with her fingertips.  
"People rarely know and want what is good for them, Rey," Ben's voice was soft, he did not want to spend this precious time together arguing. She had already been here much longer than usual, and was curious to see when she would fade away.  
Rey seemed to think for a moment," I see your point, but that does not make taking over planets by force alright."  
Ben nodded, knowing she would never agree with him completely. He squeezed her hands then, making her look at him. He wanted to tell her all the things rushing through his head then. How perfect her hands felt in his; how desperately he needed her with him; how he would always protect her and care for her; all these things swirled in his head, almost making him dizzy.  
"Rey, if you came to me, if you helped me rule the First Order, we could continue to inspire change, and make the galaxy a better place. The First Order could never be Light, but it does not need to be completely Dark either. I would rather there be balance than anything else. Now that I know what I need in my life, I find that who I once thought I needed to become no longer matters. Please Rey, we could change the galaxy together," Ben still knew what her answer would be, but he had decided that he would ask her everytime she appeared. She must be his. It was no longer meant in the harsh way that it had meant before, but simply the possession of one's heart and soul; of everything that she feels, thinks, cares about. He craved to know it all.  
Her eyes were sad, and glossed over, like she was imagining a future with him, and he held his breath, thinking for a second that she might agree.  
"Ben…,"she started, and he knew his dreams would be crushed.  
He dropped his hands from hers, and stepped back, suddenly not liking how close they were, and how vulnerable it made him.  
"These changes are so good Ben, and it means a lot to me that you are following what you believe now. Leia... Leia would be so proud of you,"her words grew soft then, but she pushed through, ignoring his sharp intake of breath," However, I cannot simply leave my friends, not now, so soon after… I just cannot leave them without a word and come to you," she followed him around the room, reaching toward him.  
Finally she wrapped her arms around herself,"You have no idea how much I want to come to you, but it is not that simple. It just isn't."  
Ben nodded, still looking at her. She began to fade then, and Ben thought he could see a tear rolling down her cheek, but dismissed such a ludicrous thought. Rey would not cry for him. That was a ridiculous notion.

Kylo spent the next few days in his office, arguing with both himself and Hux on when the best time to change the Stormtrooper system was. Hux, of course, wanted to wait until the new year, which was several months away. Part of Kylo wanted to wait this long as well, to scope for the right planets to get the children from. Planets with lots of orphanages, but most of that research could be done in a few days at most, and he did not want to wait several months. He wanted to make sure this change went smoothly before he started on the next. He was unsure of what his next step for the First Order was, and was planning on asking Rey what she thought he should do.  
After several more arguments with Hux, Kylo Ren decided that the new system would be put in place in two months. This would allow sufficient time to train the officers on the new tactics. It would also allow Hux to sort through the Stormtroopers and decide which would retire.  
They had set the age of retirement at 30; this allowed a long enough service that all should be loyal subjects, but also young enough that the Stormtroopers could start their own families and raise more loyal citizens. Hux had a lot of work going through all the files for all the Stormtroopers and send letters of retirement to the officers in charge of those Stormtroopers.  
Hux walked in then, and delivered several more files for Kylo to go through. Kylo then stood, waving Hux's objections away when he left his office. He needed to train. Hard. He felt tense and his muscles were too tight. He needed to run through his training exercises in order to feel like himself again. He hated sitting in his office all day. Kylo trained for several hours, until his muscles had begun to ache. The release of all his energy made him feel slightly better, but he knew it was not enough to get him to feel like himself again.  
He doubted anything could make him seem like himself again; the loss of his mother was still a fresh wound. The loss of her constant presence through the Force left him raw. She had always been there, a blanket of support and love when he needed it. Kylo now desired a new form of support and love; one he hoped to get from Rey. His mother's death also left him feeling as though he had lost his purpose. She had always caused him to fight the Resistance, no matter the affection she still fed him through the Force; she was a form of weakness, one he desired to be rid of, until she was gone. He vaguely wondered if Rey had spoken true; if his mother would be proud of his changes.  
When Kylo got to his chambers, he ordered a simple dinner from his datapod. While sitting at his desk, Kylo looked into the Stormtroopers shifts for the following week, He wanted to get off ship for a few days, but Hux would never allow it. However, maybe he could get out for a few hours. Most planets did not know Kylo Ren by his true face yet. Kylo needed to recharge his battery, as the Force was dulled in space. Kylo also desperately wanted to feel solid ground under his feet. Kylo would get out of this ship one way or another.


End file.
